New strategies on parenting, Shannon-style

So I have tried to keep this blog relatively parenting-free, just because I feel like no one should be following my example as a parent, LOL.  But today I am musing on parenting, and I'd like to get it out on paper, as it were. 

Everyone has their "thing" that is a red button for them, right?  You know, the thing that takes a completely normal interaction and turns it into World War III right there in your living room?   For the first year and a half or so of Carter's life, I was doing so well. All the little annoyances, just rolled right off my back.  I disciplined with a straight face and no anger.  I complimented and praised his good behaviour, and he was So. Good. 

Then came potty training.  It turns out that I have two big red buttons. One is pooping one's pants, 5 seconds after I get you off the toilet.   The other is my 3 year old telling me "You're NOT NICE!  I don't like you! Go away!" and hitting me. 

I have tried everything I could think of to curtail the latter behaviour (I'll spare you the details of the first problem).  I tried time outs.  I tried crying.  I tried yelling (this one tends to be a reaction rather than a carefully thought out technique, I'll grant).  I tried ignoring it.  I tried reasoning, with a 3 year old.  Ha.   I tried bribing.  I tried sending him to his room.  I tried removing myself from the situation.  I tried hugs and raining down the affection in between bouts.  Nothing worked.  NOTHING.  If anything, he's worse now.  Probably because I have tried so many things. 

So I'm going to try something new.  Because this little problem is really ruining our fun together.  And I want things to be more like when I was growing up, for him.  Not so much yelling and anger, and more just having fun together.    I mean, how could you stay mad at this?

So I'm going to try "parenting with intention".   I've been hanging out on a couple of parenting blogs, and noble mother has resonanted with me in terms of techniques.   In her last blog post, she talked about a technique from Naomi Aldort called SALVE, which I need to like tatoo on my arm so I can remember it when I'm getting really pissed. 

S. Separate yourself from your child’s behavior and emotions with a Silent Self-talk.  The way she described this, it's like taking your first reaction response and just thinking it in your head instead of saying it out loud.  Think it through and decide if it's going to help or not (most of my first thought responses, I'd say not helpful).

A. Attention on your child.   Taking your attention from your reactions and thoughts to your child.

L. Listen to what your child is saying or to what his actions may be indicating; then listen some more.  If you really listen to what s/he is saying,  you can understand what the problem actually is. 

V. Validate your child’s feelings and the needs he expresses without dramatizing and without adding your own perception.  This is like straight out of my first course in communication when I was doing my nurse training.   Basically parrot it back at them, but not in the same words they used.  Then they know that you understand what the problem really is.

E. Empower your child to resolve his own upset by getting out of his way and trusting him.     This one seems very situation dependent I think, but I know it'll be the hardest of them all for me.  I'm a choices kind of mom.  I like to suggest things that might solve a problem, and let Carter sort out which of my suggestions might do the job.    As I type that out I'm seeing though, letting Carter find his own solution after letting him feel like I really HEARD what he is upset about ...  this could be a really powerful way of teaching him to be a better grown up than I am.  And in the end, that's the goal of parenting, isn't it?